


Dearest Idiot of Mine

by Pai61 (orphan_account)



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Love Letters, M/M, Minor Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23639803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Pai61
Summary: Imagine Baz wasn't kidnapped. Imagine they haven't been roommates since second year. Imagine everything is relatively peaceful. Imagine Baz doesn't want to hate everything anymore. Imagine Simon starts receiving love letters. Yeah. Imagine that.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 26
Kudos: 155





	Dearest Idiot of Mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BasilAndSnow61](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BasilAndSnow61/gifts).



> I am back darlings! I hope you enjoy this! I know it has been a while! This is for my bestie, who gave me this idea!

_Dearest numpty,_

_Fuck. You._

_Seriously. Go fuck yourself. Or me. Whichever suits your fancy. Just kidding. Mostly...._

_-_

_Esteemed bastard of a rival,_

_You look beautiful today (every day) . I hated it. I wanted to brush that stray curl off your forehead. Or yank on it. Or just slap your face, and kiss it better..._

_-_

_Detestable dear,_

_I counted your moles today. There are 61 above the waist. Isn’t that a nice fact to know?_

_-_

_Lovely git,_

_I love you, I adore you. So much. So much that I hate you. You prick. You have no right to take my heart. I hate you..._

_-_

_Darling idiot,_

_I am sorry, I don’t hate you. I guess I just like to pretend I do. It gives me power..._

_-_

**Simon**

“Simon! You got another one!” Penny collapses on her seat, her hand holding another letter to add to the collection. I sigh and grab it from her hand. She watches me intently as I place it next to my plate. I push around my eggs and she is nearly shaking with excitement. 

“Well, aren't you going to read it?” She has her palms flat on the table, bracing her as she leans forward.

“I don’t really want to read a letter from a stalker, Penny,” I say softly. What I really mean is that I don’t want to read it in the cafeteria. Around everyone. 

“I know you’re curious, just read it!” Penny says.

I groan and use the butter knife to break the seal. I keep them. Every single one. I hate when the envelope rips.

_Blithering beauty,_

_Straighten your goddamn tie you numpty. Do you have any idea how painful it is to see the beginning of your chest, and then not see the rest? Fucking tease you are. Ask your sidekick to do it for you._

I carefully fold the letter and place it back in its envelope. I shove it in the pocket of my bag and go back to eating. I’m beet red. I shove forkful after forkful of eggs in my mouth and Penny looks at me, one eyebrow raised, as she looks over her glasses.

“You’re not going to let me have a look at it?”

“Merlin no!”

“Ohhh- was it a saucy one?” She asks this with calmness as I splutter and blush even harder. 

“No! Shut it! Here!” I snatch it from my bag and push into her hands, as long as she shuts up. She scans it and frowns.

“I am _not_ your sidekick. But at least you have a nice stalker. I mean. He doesn’t seem to actively be searching you out or anything. Just a lot of observations and sexual frustration. Hm.” She nods once and hands the letter back. I shove a scone in my mouth to avoid replying.

If I’m being honest, I like them. The letters. I like that someone isn’t idolizing me, making me a hero. But they seem to like me anyways, even if some of the comments sting. It’s not like they aren’t true. 

I smile and shove more scone in my mouth, then Penny and I pick up and leave.

  
  


**Baz**

My seat at the cafeteria is perfect. I don’t have to lean, or tilt, to get a look at Snow. I just gaze off in space, or casually eye the room, and I get to see his beautifully moronic face. Today’s letter was especially blush inducing from my observations. Crowley, I love it. He even smiled as he shoved his eightieth scone into his mouth (I think very dirty things, and I swear to Merlin if I hadn’t skipped feeding last night, I would’ve shared that blush).

I turn around to look at him now. I smirk as he glares back at me. Political Science was always his worst subject. Another day of misery for me. At least I don’t share his room anymore. After Snow set fire to the room in second year after another one of our great, petty rows, Mage decided his boy wonder was too precious to keep an eye on an enemy as lowly as me. Now I room by my own, in White Chapel. 

Which is shit. Because it’s so cold, and lonely. But I guess that is my punishment for damaging the Chosen One. Putting a suspected vampire on sacred ground over his mother’s tomb. He got to keep our room in Mummers house. Works for me though. I get to hunt whenever I want. And they installed my own bathroom suite. I get a great view from the bell tower. It looks right into our old room. The distance is a bit far, but it helps knowing he’s there. Safe. Now he and Bunce can have their little hero meetings. 

After a boring day, I walk alone to my room. They had to put separate wards. Just for me. The boys are allowed to visit, though it’s usually me who hangs out in their room. They find the white chapel too haunted apparently. I don’t blame them. Only the dead and soulless could find rest here. 

Our last year here, and my sixth in this stupid building. The Humdrum is still around, although there are no new holes, just these ridiculous attacks. Simon is still shit at magic (as if that could ever change) , but Bunce and I help out. Her beside him, me in the darkness. He’d probably punch me if I helped him. Yeah. Which is why I send those little notes. 

At first, it’s because I nearly kissed him after he successfully managed to complete a third year spell for the first time. Sounds stupid, but with Snow, even a correctly done first year spell is miraculous. I needed an outlet. So I wrote him a letter. And then I accidentally shipped it. 

What started the everyday letter was his smile. When he read the first one, he stopped walking in the hallway, and laughed. I was right behind him. As I passed him, and I saw my handwriting in his hands, I nearly died. But that laugh. After that, he only made three mistakes in Elocution. 

Yes. I am a sentimental bastard. It’s all his fault. It’s not like they are grand love sonnets. I stick to the regular teasing and flirting. It helps me too. Keeps him farther away from me.

Which is where he belongs. 

_-_

(unsent)

_Beloved rival,_

_That blush was quite the scene. Almost wanted to see how far down it continued. Only kidding, love. -_

_-_

  
  


_Beloved Rival,_

_You are very amusing when you blush. Quite sinful, I think half the ladies swooned yesterday. Then you ruined it when you shoved that damned scone in your mouth. Learn manners you pig. Tie your shoes by the way. You are going to ruin that stupidly attractive face._

**Simon**

This morning the letter was slipped under my door by whatever magic controls the mail. Thank Jesus fucking Christ I did not read that in public. I place it in the box under my bed, where all their letters are stored. 

To be honest, I think they are a he. No way a girl could be that forward. The funny thing is, I don’t mind that it’s a bloke who is writing these letters. I don’t know why. They make me laugh, and yes, blush. 

I want to know who he is. But I also don’t. If I did, it would ruin whatever this is. I wonder if knowing who he was would make it better? Although that’s a bit too much for my brain to handle. A relationship? Aggie and I split up. There’s no point in putting myself through that again with all that’s going on. And with a bloke? I don’t think I’m gay... right?

Whatever, I'm not thinking about that. I walk into the caf and blush when I spot him. 

Which I shouldn’t do because I am not supposed to think about him. Not when I am hoping he is writing these stupid letters. 

I hurry to where Penny is sitting and I don’t even thank her when I spot she’s already got my tray lined up with the usual. I just stuff food in my mouth and try to ignore those eyes on the back of my neck. 

“How was today’s letter?” She says, not looking up from her book. I mumble something through a mouthful and she looks up to glare at me. I swallow and shrug. She looks back but I know she’s curious. She’ll just probably snoop later. I gave her permission to do so. She’s trying to find out who it is.

All day I think about Baz. Against my will of course. My brain always does what it wants. I think about how he and my secret admirer have similar handwriting. How I desperately want him to be the mysterious author of these letters.

God I shouldn’t be thinking about this. Especially in fucking _Greek_. The Minotaur is already pissed at me. But Baz is sitting right in front of me, and he must have foregone the gel, because his hair is wavy and I just want to reach out and grab it. Tug on it. Run my fingers through it. 

Nope. Nope. Nope. Greek. Must. Focus. On. Greek.

But there he goes, peeking over his shoulder with that fucking _smirk_. Goddamn you, Baz. 

  
  


**Baz**

Snow has got this ridiculous frown on his face, along with that glorious flush. I chuckle under my breath and look back. I don’t think we have fought in a long time. I have practically given up on more than teasing him, slightly pissing him off, but it’s not as fun anymore. Not when I have these letters.

After greek I head right home to change into my gear. Practice got moved up due to thunder in the forecast. I head out to the pitch as I see Bunce run across the courtyard towards Mummers. I shake my head and smile. Those idiot heros.

**Penelope**

Basilton is heading to practice as I come from the library. I found the spell to confirm it’s been him sending the letters. I race up past the wards to Simon’s room. I slam open the door.

“I need to see those letters!” He startles from his desk. He’s been reading them again. Merlin. Those two will be the death of me. He blushes and hands over the box mutely. He’s been a lot quieter ever since he and Baz matured from petty enemies to tentative allies. I know Baz helps with the fights against the Humdrum attacks. Simon is still oblivious.

I concentrate on one of the letters and cast my finding spell. It shimmers and at the bottom the words I had hoped for Simons sake appear. Sincerely, T. Basilton Grimm-Pitch.

Simon stares silently, as a grin creeps up his face, then drops.

“You reckon it’s a joke? A prank?” Of course. Simon would never let anyone love him. Would never believe it to be true. I sigh.

“I don’t know Simon. This is up to you.” He frowns and takes back the box and the letter with Basilton’s signature. He turns around and I leave him be. He needs to figure this out himself.

**Simon**

So it is Baz writing them. He’s probably just pulling my leg, getting a laugh out of my reactions. Merlin knows he has had plenty of girls to practice his _seductive_ flirting with. I’m such a fool. Well, Baz. If this is how it’s going to be. I can write them too, you know. It helps that I already feel everything.

-

_Dearest git,_

_Your hair looked good down today. I like it when it’s wavy. Makes me forget you are an insufferable prick. Leave it down today. For me._

_With love,_

_Scone_

**Baz**

What. In the name. Of Morgana. He knows. He even signed it (I don’t. Seems a bit too much like pushing my luck. Why oh why didn’t I make my letters untraceable?). With his favorite food. Oh god. He must be mocking me. Well, take this you blithering idiot. I’ll leave my hair down. And the top button of my uniform unbuttoned. Take that.

_My ravishing moron,_

_If I am to leave my hair down, do me a favor, find the tightest pair of trousers you have. Bend over during lunch. I dare you. If they split, I’ll buy you 20 scones. If they don’t, I will wear it down tomorrow too. Win win, yes? By the way, you had jam on your cheek all day yesterday. One day, I might just lick it off._

**Simon**

This letter is entirely too much for me too handle. Especially at this hour. I know I should’ve sent it this morning, instead of last night, to give myself some time before his response, but oh Jesus. He definitely upped his the force behind his flirting. I am not prepared for this. 

Also, jam? On my cheek? That fucking bastard. 

_Dear widow’s peak jerk,_

_I quite enjoyed your hair today. You owe me the same thing tomorrow._

_xoxo,_

_Scone_

_P.S. I dare you to leave another button unbuttoned. The girls and gents were so scandalized._

  
  


**Baz**

Oho! He noticed. Well, I mustn't deny a beautiful boy his desires.

_Dear golden dunce,_

_If you tug on my hair (discreetly you numpty), I might leave 3 unbuttoned for your enjoyment._

_P.S. Nice job in Elocution today. Next time, count to ten, clear your mind, and think of home. Then cast._

**Simon**

Well. I’ve never seen that much of Baz. And I never back down from a challenge. 

_Dearest genius of a jackass,_

_Well, I did it. You better leave it unbuttoned. I wonder if you could get away with four though?_

_Missing your stupid face soundly,_

_Scone_

_P.S. Thanks. It helped a little, although I guess you saw. What is home?_

**Baz**

This poor boy. What is home. He is.

_My beautiful wonder of a klutz,_

_Darling, buy me dinner before asking me to undress. Especially in public, you kinky little bugger._

_P.S. Home is love. Someone very smart always used to tell me to light a match in my heart, and blow on the tinder. Try that._

**Simon**

The main part of the letter isn’t even that important anymore, even if it still makes me blush and smile. The after note makes me want to know more, to learn him. Inside and out. So I bought him dinner. Well. I stole it from the caf and dropped it off at his door. He eats too little whenever I see him.

_You infuriatingly gorgeous bastard,_

_I bought you your dinner. Eat up. If you won’t wear your uniform scandalously, at least surprise me with your wardrobe choice tomorrow. It’s Saturday._

_Dreaming of those popped buttons,_

_Scone_

_P.S. Who were they, if I may ask. And it worked, I thought of someone really close to me. Someone I miss very, very much._

**Baz**

Oh, my heart. Should I say. This is such a tentative line we have drawn.

_To my annoying ray of sunshine,_

_I quite enjoyed my meal, however, when I found it, it was half eaten. Little twerp if you wanted some, you could of just invited yourself inside... there are much better things to eat in my room if you wish. And yes, darling, I will amaze you. Wearing nothing...._

_Only teasing._

_P.S. My mother. Who may I ask, inspired such magnificent spell casting?_

**Simon**

This might be getting out of hand. On so many levels. Why can’t I stop? Why do I want this so much?

_Dearest football babe (sweaty jock),_

_I might just have to take you up on that offer, sweeting. You always look so tasty after practice.... Only kidding. Somewhat._

_Missing you from cold showers,_

_Scone_

_P.S. Someone I recently fell for. And you?_

  
  


**Baz**

Is it stupid of me to want that person to be me? Is it stupid of me to want all of this to end so I can just say all these things to him in person? Should I give him his response with a seal of our lips? 

The truth is that letters make us brave. We can say what we want, without fear of being rebuked face to face. I am not brave enough outside of letters spelled to his door. I am not brave. I attach a picture.

_You. Always you._

**Simon**

This is too much. No. It can’t be true. No. I can’t- no. No way. What do I do? What do I say? I rush to my desk, and I scribble out a response.

I try again.

And again.

I growl in frustration and clutch my curls. No. He’s lying. I need him to say it to my face. I need to defend myself. Defend my heart. This can’t be true. He must be lying. Goddamn it all to hell, he’s wearing jeans, and that horrific smirk of his, taunting me. No. He’s lying. I slam my hands on my desk and fly out the door. 

**Baz**

No response from Simon. What did I expect? He’s probably going to out me. No. He wouldn’t. But what’s to say he wouldn’t be disgusted? Maybe he was just toying with me. Maybe all these responses meant nothing. I leave my study block early, grab a change of clothes from my suite, and leave in a rush. Who knows if my door was even closed? No one comes there anyways.

I make my way to Dev’s and Niall’s and from the look on my face, they ask no questions. Dev just pulls out the booze and Niall sets a blanket on the floor. I don’t want to know what Simon has to say anymore. I don’t want to even think. 

**Simon**

I climb across the chapel, looking around for where Baz’s room could be. I know he’s lived here since second year, but I never went looking for it. Where is it! I shove at doors and stumble around. I push on doors randomly, until I fall through one. It wasn’t even closed.

I look up from the floor and groan. My nose got hit hard from the tumble and now it’s bleeding a bit. I pinch it and wince from the pain. I look around and hold my sleeve to my face. Penny can take care of the stain for me when I get back. I look around for him, but a piece of paper catches my eye. It’s got my name on it....

_Simon,_

_You are the sun. My world revolves around you. Merlin save me I can’t take it. This hurts so much-_

_-_

_My golden sun,_

_You looked so beautiful today when you casted that spell. I nearly kissed you right then and there-_

_-_

_You gorgeous wonder,_

_I like your new shirt, I know Bunce picked it out for you. Give her my thanks. It makes you look older, mature... even better than you usually look-_

_-_

_Darling,_

_I wrote you a little note in greek. Obviously you haven’t been studying much. You though I said something rude, didn’t you? Here’s the translation._

_I love that laugh of yours. Drives me insane._

_It’s true, too, you know? I love that laugh. I love everything about you-_

_-_

_Dearest,_

_Today, I nearly hated you again. I don’t want to anymore. It always makes me so infuriated, to see you smile and know that once, not long ago, I made you do the opposite. I hate that I haven’t spent these years making you smile instead-_

_-_

**Simon**

And then. This. Dated today. 

  
  


_Simon,_

_I am sorry. I shouldn’t have started this. I know you don’t need me. That I would just burden you when you have to focus on something much bigger than us. You always were a hero. Always were my hero some way or another. Not that heroism stopped you from being a complete idiot. But I guess I can’t blame you since I fell in love with you. I guess that makes me an idiot too, doesn’t it? To fall in love with the sun, when it’s unreachable, and all it does is burn, burn, burn. Well, Simon, you burned me. And I loved every second of it. I’m glad this ended in flames. At least I could see it coming, unlike falling in love, which was like being shoved down a flight of stairs. (That’s entirely your fault by the way, you clumsy little shit. You looked better after that fall than I did after you broke my nose)._

_With love,_

_A soulless monster._

_P.S. you were right, you know. You can out me if you want. I don’t mind._

Well. Shit. I clutch those letters, all of them, in my hand and I run out of his room. Then I run right back in and leave them on his desk. I have already done enough. If he doesn’t want me to have them I don’t mind. I have every single one burned in my memory.

I rush back to my room and I sit at my desk. Should I write another letter? Should I do this in person? Fuck. Should I tell Penny? What should I do. I need to think. Think. Think. Think. Think-

**Baz**

I walk back to my room after a night of basically no drinking. Dev and Niall took the bottle from my hand after one swig, which, all I have to say is fuck them. Because I needed that. Since I’m still too sober for this shit. I head to my room and-

The door is open. And I smell blood. I smell... _his blood_ . Simon. Shit. I look down and I see a small blood spatter. I look around my room to find out what the _fuck_ happened in my room that hurt _my_ Simon. My gaze lands on a mess of papers on my desk and my heart, already beating so, so slow, stops. I stumble to my desk and grasp the wrinkled papers. All of them. All of the ones I wrote. All of the ones I didn’t send. And the one I would have sent this morning. He found them. 

Well. Fuck. 

I run out of my room like a madman. It’s so late, I can’t wake anyone. As an afterthought, I cast a silencing spell and thunder up the steps to what used to be our room. The room recognizes me, even after all this time, and lets me through. I find Simon on the floor, blood on his sleeves, head buried in his arms. I collapse on the floor.

“Simon! Are you okay? Are you hurt? What’s wrong? What happened? Who hurt you? Where are they? Simon-” He looks up at me, blood smeared across his face and I scramble to back away from him. My fangs fall down and fill my mouth. I cover them with one hand and look at him in fear. He was smiling, but it shifted abruptly to horror. 

“Oh fuck, sorry. I’ll clean it up!” He says loudly before running to the bathroom and slamming the door. The shower water runs and I briefly debate running out and pretending I didn’t completely throw away every ounce of my dignity by collapsing on the floor, losing my cool, and then openly showing I was a vampire. Well. I could also throw myself out of the window. But my aunt would probably resurrect me to kick my ass and kill me again for being an idiot.

“You’re still here, right?!” Simon nearly yells as he flings the door open. He’s wearing baggy sweatpants and no shirt and water is dripping down his chest. I raise my eyebrow at him in complete composure.

I am quite effectively dying inside.

**Simon**

I now realize that I should have put on a shirt. But Baz and talking to him was a priority. I probably shouldn’t have left blood on his bedroom floor I mean Jesus, he’s a fucking _vampire_. At his raised eyebrow I flush and scramble to put on a shirt. It sticks to my half dried chest but I don’t care. Baz smells very slightly of alcohol and he just barged in my room after probably seeing the mess I made of his letters.

“Are you drunk?” I ask first, because he needs to be sober for what I am about to do.

“No. Why-” And then I am launching myself at him, lips first and thoughts last because my brain cannot interfere with this. I have wanted to do this for so, fucking, long. He still under my touch as I run my fingers through his hair. 

This is a very awkward position, I’m not going to lie. I am propping myself up with one arm, the other clutching the hair at the base of his head, on my knees, with his long ass legs between mine, and his arms propping him up as he leans forward to snog the living daylight out of me. 

Eventually, he just gives up and leans completely on the ground. I watch him lower himself, and he gives me that little smirk. I swear to Merlin I am going to give him a kiss for every smirk he’s ever thrown my way. Starting now. 

  
  


**Baz**

With Simon on all fours above me, this must be a dream. Which is why I am completely embarrassing myself by reaching up for those lips every time he pulls away to tease me. Crowley damn you, Snow. What you do to me.

**Simon**

As much as I love watching him reach up for me. As much as I love the feeling of his hands under my shirt. I need to say this.

“I- I love you too. Jesus, Baz. Boyfriends?” I ask, throwing grammar out the window. I can’t think straight (this is very, very not straight) with his face pink and lips slightly swollen. 

**Baz**

Did I hear this moron correctly?

“Yes, please,” because I have manners and dignity unlike this numpty.

Merlin, that smile. It’s like lighting the world on fire. And I am basically flashpaper. But who knew it could feel this good (this good).

**Simon**

I am not letting this bastard go. Not when I have him where I want him. Under my thumb. Where I know I can keep him company. Where I know I can make sure he feels loved. Where I know I can keep him safe. Where I know he belongs. With me.

Obviously.

  
  



End file.
